Let's Get It On Except We're Not
by ZGory
Summary: Can't two brothers indulge in innocent activites without everyone else assuming something lewd is going on?


This story was done as a fill on the kinkmeme.

The prompt was as follows: Loki and Thor are caught in a compromising position... except they really weren't doing anything compromising. There is a very innocent explanation for all of this and if if only everyone wasn't so busy trying to prove how supportive they are, they could explain it.

I took a "5 times" style to the prompt, so if Thor/Loki squicks you out, then just stop after the fifth section of this story. This also may as well be considered an AU as the timeline is all over the place.

* * *

**I. Volstagg**

The cherry pit came flying out of Loki's mouth, and soon after, he braced his arms against the table and leaned forward to inhale air that had not been available to him moments before. Thor remained behind him, and one hand rubbed his back while the other hand traveled from his stomach to his waist. He brought the other hand back and leaned forward on Loki.

"Are you alright brother?"

Before he could bite out a response, a loud gasp caused both brothers to look up. Volstagg was standing at the entrance of the dining hall with his face soon becoming the same color as his hair.

"My deepest apologies on walking in on such a passionate moment," stated the warrior as he made his way to the table. "I thought it only a matter of time before your desire for each other could no longer be contained, but may I suggest that the pair of you reserve such displays for a place away from the food." He quickly gathered up various meats that were furthest from the two royals and saluted with a turkey leg in hand before quickly departing.

The two princes looked at each other in mutual confusion and then soaked in the position they were in. Thor immediately backed away with both hands raised defensively while Loki skittered away only to sink on to the bench.

**II. Sif**

Sif's determined march for answers was leading her to the library. Volstagg had told her and the other two warriors of the royal siblings scandalous display in the dining hall. While she did not know the rotund warrior to lie (that was of course Loki's forte), she did know him to exaggerate.

She wanted to hunt down the truth by asking Thor as getting it from Loki would be near impossible. Unfortunately, she could not locate him in any of his usual haunts and came across the idea that perhaps Thor was with his brother in one of Loki's usual places.

As she entered the library, its silence was broken by a pair of voices. Though their words were indistinct, their tones were very familiar to her, and she made her way to their source. As she got closer, she heard a yelp before a commotion of other noises like clattering and several thumps. Sif rounded the aisle, and her face drew into one of surprise.

Thor's arms were full of a red faced Loki in a bridal style carry. The elder looked at the younger with amusement while Loki drew in quick breaths with his arms wound around Thor's neck. Heavy tomes lay open around them, and a ladder had been knocked to its side.

"Oh," exclaimed Sif. Both brothers looked to her, and Thor nearly dropped Loki while Loki withdrew his arms. "I guess it was not that far off the mark after all," mused Sif more to herself than to the duo.

"He fell," spluttered Thor. "And I caught him!"

Sif rolled her eyes. As if Loki, who slunk around like a cat and visited the library on an almost daily basis, could have such a clumsy fall. "You're a terrible liar, Thor." She crossed her arms against her chest. "And if you two are going to carry on like this then I suggest you go somewhere more private where there will not be any collateral damage."

She leveled a look at Loki. "Break his heart, and I will burn every single one of your magical texts." She then looked at Thor. "Continue to be as blundering and insensitive with him, and I will find a way to throw Mjolnir off the Bifrost." She turned and went on her way.

Thor and Loki continued to stare at where she once stood too dazed at the seriousness of her threats to react.

**III. Odin**

"I do not know how you can just sit there and read while these rumors about us spread throughout the realm like a virus," ranted Thor as he paced in front of Loki.

He did not even look up from his text as he responded, "So our coupling is akin to that of a deadly disease? You wound me, Thor. I should let Sif know..." He flipped a page nonchalantly.

This took some of the steam out of Thor's anger as his face actually blanched, and he stopped in his tracks. "Now you know that is not what I meant, brother. Our union would be a wondrous thing that I would proudly proclaim. But that is not the issue!"

"Then what is the issue?"

"People believing that we have the restraint of two youths who have just bumbled into their adulthood!"

This answer got Loki to raise his head from his book as he looked at his brother in disbelief. "This is all about how much restraint we have?"

Thor gave him a puzzled look in return. "Of course. I would not want others to believe that they can expect to find us in _any_public corner ravishing each other. It is an insult to our upbringing to think that we could not contain ourselves until we reached more private quarters." He observed the way one of Loki's brows rose which meant that he was surprised. "What did you think I was angry about?"

As Loki opened his mouth to respond, Thor added, "There is a spider on your leg, brother."

ooooooo

Odin strolled through the gardens to find some peace of mind. He often partook in this activity during the short respites he had from his kingly duties. The relative silence and scents of the various fauna that Frigga had a hand in planting did wonders to calm him. And he certainly needed some calming.

Tales of his sons' publicly lewd exploits had reached his ears. The places they had been caught had him massaging his temples and clenching his remaining eye closed. And so, the sudden need for a bit of fresh air was born.

As he started to come around a particularly tall clump of hedges, he saw the objects of his slight agitation nearby. Loki sat with a book in his lap and his back against a tree while Thor looked down at him with his back to Odin. The two seemed to be wrapped in conversation, and Odin was about to make his presence known when a most curious thing happened.

Loki had uncharacteristically thrown the book from his hands with a desperate urgency, and Thor was suddenly kneeling by his brother's side with one hand on Loki's chest to keep him seated and the other out of Odin's sight as it was obscured by Thor's body.

"Take care of it!" Loki hissed with closed eyes.

Whatever it was that needed to be taken care of was soon made obvious to Odin as Thor's head dipped to his brother's lap and stayed there. Odin momentarily watched with a wide eye as Loki's back arched, and he..._whimpered_?

It was time to make his presence known. He loudly cleared his throat which caused Loki's eyes to snap open, and Thor to suddenly turn around. Odin found his wary expression mirrored in both of their faces.

He took a few steps closer but not enough so as to catch sight of anything unseemly. He narrowed a look of disapproval at the two of them. "If the two of you are to carry on in this manner, may I suggest you do it away from any prying eyes? It is unfitting of two princes of your upbringing to behave in such a way. At least save it for your wedding bed, if nothing else."

With this, he quickly turned on his heel and walked away despite Thor's yells about a spider and Loki's fears.

Watching his explanation fall on deaf ears, Thor turned around to a red faced Loki. There was a mixture of anger and embarrassment on his face.

"How does a trip to Midgard sound, brother?" asked Thor in what he hoped was an offhand tone. Some time away from Asgard could probably do them some good.

**IV. Tony **

"What is that, Brother?" Thor looked curiously at Loki who was fiddling with a strange black rectangle in his hands.

"It is called a cellular phone, Thor. The Midgardians use it for communication."

Thor stared at the device with a disbelieving look. "How?"

"It supposedly transmits a signal to other similar devices," Loki explained though he did not sound convinced.

Thor's brows drew together. "And how did you come by one, Brother? It does not sound like you are too sure of its effectiveness to bother owning one."

Loki gave Thor a sly smile. "That is because it belongs to your iron friend." He went back to scrutinizing the device.

"Does he know that you are currently in possession of this item?" asked Thor with much concern.

His brother just gave him one of those looks that immediately answered the question. Thor stepped forward, ready to take the phone away. Loki leaped back out of his grasp with the phone still tightly in hand.

"Return the device, Loki," ordered Thor.

Loki tisked at him. "How will I ever learn how to use one? You have no sympathy for the curious mind, Brother."

Rather than respond, Thor made another lunge for the phone.

Despite all his years of training as a warrior, Thor managed to trip over the throw rug on the floor and unceremoniously landed on his brother. They tussled for a bit, and though Loki managed to slip out of most situations, rough housing with Thor was never one of them. Soon enough, Thor lay on top of Loki's back with one arm tight around his waist to pinion one arm while the other was sprawled out over Loki's other arm, which was stretched out, in an attempt to reach the phone that was still in his grasp. Loki's attempts to kick out were thwarted by Thor having hooked his own ankles underneath his brother's.

"Give it back!" commanded Thor into his brother's neck.

In response, the phone continued to elude Thor's reach as Loki held it out by the very tips of his fingers.

Just as Thor ground down on his brother to add more pressure, a voice behind them said, "Has anyone seen my- OH MY GOD! PLEASE take that somewhere else. Preferably to the other side of that Yackuhdil tree you're always talking about."

Thor rolled the both of them to find Tony with his back to them but with a hand latched to his eye level. "I was simply getting-"

"I don't need to know what you're getting down there, buddy," interrupted Tony. "It's pretty clear. Just a little warning would be nice, you know? Cause watching you gulp down a Costco box of Pop-Tarts in one sitting is one thing, but seeing you hump your brother into the ground is just something I never needed to see. Nice to know you love him, but I didn't need to see it." He then quickly walked off without looking back.

Thor watched with a dumbfounded expression as Tony walked away. It was only as Loki jerked more desperately against him that he finally released his hold. Loki rolled away and flung the phone at the wall watching it smash to pieces.

"Effective communication," sneered the younger god.

**V. Darcy**

"That's the last time I let you get a taste of college life," mutters Darcy as she drags a stumbling Thor from the truck.

"I had more than a taste, Lady Darcy," replies the god of thunder rather giddily.

"Don't have to tell me that," she grunts as she attempts to heft some of his weight back towards Jane's.

"Those large metal barrels are rather strange containers for one to drink from," comments Thor again, and Darcy prays to whatever other god is up there for the one next to her to stay conscious for just a little bit longer.

She gets him to the small dining table in the kitchen area and sighs in relief. "That's because you're not supposed to drink one keg much less three by yourself," quips the poli-sci major. She smiles at the memory of the frat house staring in awe at Thor as he picked the keg up, drained it, and then crushed it as if it were just a beer can. The smile remains as she watches Thor thunk his head on to the table and light snores follow soon after.

"Yeah, you just sit tight while I go get Erik." She climbs up to the roof in hopes of finding the Scandinavian scientist, but only finds Jane passed out in a lawn chair. She sighs and whips out her cell phone to call the other man. For normal people, the current time would give her pause, but Darcy knows that Erik is still awake at his little loft, and she really needs the help with Thor.

When she gets to the bottom of the stairs, she suddenly stops in her tracks. It would seem that Thor had fallen out of the chair sometime during Darcy's brief absence. But he's not alone, and the other visitor has her whipping out her cell phone to record the strange sight.

Straddling him at the waist is Loki. His head is bent down low, and his hair (which has grown to Snape-like lengths) shields both his and his not-brother's face from view. The hand within view is braced against the ground, and the other hand is hidden within that curtain of hair. The proximity of his head gives Darcy a good idea as to what he's doing in addition to the slight movements of that hidden arm. As if to confirm her suspicions, Thor's spread eagle arms lazily move up to cup Loki's ass before giving it a squeeze.

The god of mischief yelps the same time Darcy snorts, yet he somehow still hears her. When he whips around, Darcy has the sense to hide the phone before her back and don her most innocent expression. The presence of squiggly black marks on Thor's face barely registers with her as she concentrates on going back up the stairs backwards.

"I'll just let you keep macking on each other. No need to worry about me."

She races back up the stairs with the phone clutched to her chest and plops down on the ground at the foot of Jane's chair. She then checks the footage she captured before sending it to her Facebook, YouTube page, some of the more awesome SHIELD agents, and Tony Stark.

**+1** **Steve Rogers (the one person who doesn't have his head in the gutter)**

Steve whistles as he makes his way to the main kitchen. He prides himself on being one of the earlier risers in the tower. No sense in wasting away the day in sleep.

His tune abruptly stops when he gets to his destination to find it's not empty. With his back to him is the unmistakable outline of Thor from beyond the counter. Bed head is something that eludes the god, and he holds himself so ramrod straight.

"Mornin', Thor," greets Steve as he walks over to the cabinets for a box of cereal.

"Greetings, Steven," replies Thor in a higher pitch than usual. Steve passes it off as an Asgardian peculiarity.

"So what do Asgardians eat for breakfast?" asks Steve curiously as he pulls open the fridge to fetch the milk for his cereal.

Rather than give a verbose and poetic answer, Thor merely waves a box of Pop-Tarts in the air.

Steve simply nods his head at the choice of morning nourishment. He hasn't had a chance to try the breakfast treat yet, but the box alone tells him that it's loaded with sugar which he's not sure is the best start to the day, but as he doesn't know what the Asgardian diet consists of, he's not one to interject.

As he pours the milk, Thor suddenly grips the table with such ferocity that the wood splinters beneath his hands. He throws his head back, and though Steve cannot see his face, he assumes it's from pain. He remembers something about these Pop Tarts supposedly tasting better after coming out of the toaster and asks, "Did you burn yourself on your breakfast there?"

The god doesn't answer, and Steve momentarily steps out to go fetch the first-aid kit even though he's pretty sure there is nothing in there for tongue burns. When he comes back, Thor is slumped over and breathing heavily and Loki is also seated at the table with a devilish smile on his face.  
Steve tapers down on the instinct to reach for his shield and reminds himself that the brothers are on one of their truces again. In an attempt to be friendly, he asks, "Morning, Loki. Have you had anything to eat."

Loki's grin somehow stretches even wider, and he pats his stomach contentedly. "Thank you, dear Captain, but I'm absolutely stuffed."

ooooooo

Steve doesn't think the movie's that frightening, but it does make him wonder what's considered horrifying in Asgard as Loki shivers yet again from under his blanket.

The cold is definitely not the culprit as Thor's close proximity on the couch is probably it's own little generator. Blankets (made of some unidentifiable animal) are also piled on top of the brothers and look as if they should prevent any sort of chill.

So really, the periodic shivers and rustling from beneath the blanket from the sorcerer could only be from fear. Loki's unexpected cry confirms this theory, and Steve watches from the corner of his eye as Loki pants heavily, and Thor draws him closer.

The sorcerer keeps panting, and Steve wonders what could be freaking him out. Maybe it's the flying monkeys. The flying monkeys freaked him out too when he had first watched this movie and seeing as they don't exist in Asgard, they probably look like some sort of monstrosity. Good thing Loki can find comfort in his brother.


End file.
